When the crew of a Japanese fishing boat, lost off the eastern
coast of Russia, insisted that their vessel had been sunk by a cow
falling on it, the authorities were naturally sceptical and jailed
them. However, it later turned out that a Russian military
transport plane, which had been commandeered by a group of soldiers
for a spot of beef rustling, had become unstable when the cattle had
started moving around inside, so the soldiers had driven them out
through the large tail gate.
Meanwhile in Devon, England, a Police traffic unit - generally not used to encountering anything faster than a tractor - was surprised when their radar gun began registering a speed in excess of 300 miles per hour. Moments later they were buzzed by an RAF Tornado flying very low and fairly fast. The boys in blue duly filed a complaint, but were told by the Ministry of Defence that they should consider themselves lucky. Apparently the Tornado's automatic systems had identified the radar gun as an enemy object, and had armed and targetted its weapons. At least the pilot was able to intervene - had the plane been running Windows the consequences would have been too awful to comtemplate.
Disneyland, proud of its clean and wholesome image, has been upset by the latest antics of its naughty customers. The digital cameras at its Splash Mountain water flume, intended to produce souvenir pictures of grinning families, have instead been shooting boatfuls of topless women. Tannoy messages appealing to customers to put their shirts back on have gone unheeded, and now to make things worse an employee has smuggled the confiscated photos out of the park and, inevitably, they have found their way onto the web (via the site of a bizarre individual by the name of Wierd Ferd - if you really want to take a look, you'll just have to search for it yourself).
This is not the first time Disney has had trouble
maintaining its squeaky-clean image. Infact, right back when
Pinocchio first opened in America, the publicity
people employed eleven midgets, dressed as puppets, to dance
above the entrance. At lunchtime, refreshments were passed up
which included a crate of beer.
By mid-afternoon a crowd had gathered to watch eleven
naked midgets playing dice and belching. Eventually, the
police brought them down bagged in pillowcases.
So just how do you get into the circles of high society? Some light was recently cast on the subject in the society magazine Tatler. A photograph taken at a royal garden party of a lady of aristocratic bearing bore the caption "Mrs Jammie Hoare". You are invited to draw you own conclusions.
In Birmingham (about half an hour's drive from where I
live) there is a famous road junction. In a whirl of pillars
and suspended sliproads this spectacular edifice connects two
motorways and three A roads, whilst at the same time staddling a
railway and a canal. Its official title is the Gravelly Hill
Interchange, but it is known throughout Britain as Spaghetti
Junction.
Not surprisingly, the land beneath it - gloomy, noisy and
dense with fumes - is not exactly prime real estate. At least,
not yet... for The Powers That Be have decided to rectify this,
and have appointed a site architect to make the place more
appealing.
A bit of landscaping and some more trees and plants,
perhaps? Maybe some bold modern sculpture, or even a fountain?
Nothing so mundane or unambitious, for in an act of inspired
fearlessness not seen since Balaclava it has been realised that
this is the obvious location for... Birmingham Beach! How
could Bondi or Miami possibly compete with the attractions of
basking in the azure waters of the Grand Union Canal, the air
scented with the exotic fragrance of DERV, lulled by the gentle
sussurations of eight hundred vehicles a minute?
I shall be sure to report in the unlikely event that I see
anyone so much as roll up their trouser legs.
Meanwhile in the neighbouring seat of Coventry Southwest, Conservative Member of Parliament John Butcher has made his latest bid for the post of Minister for Daft Ideas. Apalled by the congestion on his local motorway, the M6, and its potential to induce road rage, he has suggested that the Ministry of Transport should entertain the gridlocked motorists with jugglers and acrobats.
Returning to the subject of beaches, there was an incident recently at one of the seaside resorts in which a large Second World War bomb was found embedded in the sand. Apparently the area was evacuated whilst the army bomb disposal specialists came in to make it safe. The local paper that week lead with the jaw-dropping headline "Shell Found on Beach".
Cartoon from The Times, 8th August 1996
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